


Nature Calls

by Grotesgi



Series: After No Disaster Can Touch Us Anymore [2]
Category: Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Aliens, Angst, Aquariums, Birthing, Captive Mers, Captivity, Hermaphrodites, Hurt/Comfort, Incest, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Merformers, Mutual Non-Con, Other, Twincest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:34:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25053964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grotesgi/pseuds/Grotesgi
Summary: Reproduction had to take place. That was the prime dictum of life.
Relationships: Sideswipe/Sunstreaker
Series: After No Disaster Can Touch Us Anymore [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1824688
Comments: 18
Kudos: 51





	1. The Act

His body was screaming at him.

Mate, procreate. Continue his lineage, write his name into the history and future of their species through his offspring. Pass on his genes.

Whatever you wanted to call it. He wanted to _fuck_ , _needed_ to have someone stick it in him or do the same to someone else, if you wanted to be crude about it.

Being crude about it was about the only thing he had left. There was no sugarcoating the need anymore. It was all consuming, hijacking his thoughts day and night. Hormones coursed through his bloodstream and drove him next to mad with restlessness that had nowhere to go.

He needed to go, to Gather, find everyone else of their species and sate the desperate need to _reproduce_ with a mate of his choosing. That was the one and only purpose of this time of the year. Really, of their whole _lives_. Make sure his legacy continued even when time, sickness, or predators got the better of him; wasn’t that the whole point of living?

And his body was telling him to do just that, _right now._

That had been the state of affairs for several days now. Only problem was, there was no Gathering.

There were only four walls, the floor, the platform, and the ceiling with its bright lights high above.

And there was only Sunstreaker. His brother. Not a potential mate.

His body didn’t care about little details like that. It didn’t care that there was nowhere for him to go, that any direction he swam there would only be an obstacle that prevented him from going further, that there was no one he could quell the need with.

It just burned.

There should’ve been a long migration to the atoll, taxing but intensely rewarding. 

Instead there was just a circle.

No way out.

Four walls. A floor.

Round and round.

Round and round.

Round and round.

He wasn’t sure if the humans had noticed the difference between their usual bored swimming and… _This_. This frustration that drove them into trying their hardest to fulfill their instincts, in vain. There was nowhere to go, there was never anywhere to go. Sunstreaker would lash his tail out of the water, creating impressive splashes before diving as deep as the tank went. He’d run into walls, hit them with his hands or his tail, like that could crumble them and _let them out_.

It was impossible not to sense the tension in the water, thick enough to almost turn it solid.

Sideswipe just swam. Round and round, trying even in the smallest manner simulate the journey he was supposed to be on.

The courting. He’d never participated in it before, but he knew what it was. He still remembered the year of his birth, watching mers flit about, chasing after each other until one gave up.

He was old enough now. First year that he was, this one.

That was what he was supposed to be doing. There were supposed to be mers as far as the eye could see, potential mates, potential partners, thrilling chases while they tested each other and tried their strength in titillating games designed to pry into the suitability of the other’s prowess.

What was there instead?

A tank too small, and Sunstreaker.

And if he wasn’t handling it well, Sunstreaker was handling it even worse. He was already the more high strung of them, easily agitated.

Add to that the incessant _need_ and their total inability to do anything about it, and he was downright explosive. 

It was never fun to share the space with him. Now it felt downright dangerous—moreso than usual, anyway.

He’d done his best to stay out of his brother’s way, but despite his efforts he still carried scratches from the times when it all boiled over into vicious claw strikes and bites aimed at soft flesh. They hadn’t gone at it seriously, though. It didn’t feel right. This time of the year was, for all intents and purposes, about _love_.

Not about fighting.

He didn’t feel proud of the fact Sunstreaker had red marks on his body too, some fresher than others. Yeah, he hadn’t taken any of it without returning some of it, but it wasn’t _right_.

None of this was supposed to be happening.

_It wasn’t supposed to be like this._

And he wasn’t sure how much longer he could take it for. Rationally he knew its duration was finite, that he only needed to last until the short season came to its end.

But rationality was in short supply, even for him. Sunstreaker had even less of it left. He was a coiled bunch of muscles, appearing incapable of relaxing even for a moment.

He’d barely slept. Neither had Sideswipe, but Sunstreaker hadn’t done it even as much as he had.

He had to be tired. Sideswipe for sure was.

And yet neither of them could stop swimming, Sunstreaker lashing out at inanimate objects every other chance he got, just to dispel some of the restless energy the both of them carried, one that they couldn’t direct where it was _supposed_ to be directed.

Into courting and mating. That was what it all came back around to. 

How much longer? The lights shut off for another artificial night, the humans left, and still the need raged on. One more day? Two more days? A week? He wasn’t sure, but even the shortest duration felt too long.

He couldn’t take it. _Couldn’t._

But he had no choice.

Heaving one breath after another, Sideswipe broke from his constant counterclockwise circle in favor of heading to the middle of the tank, lowering himself to the dimly lit bottom to try to catch even some sleep, while Sunstreaker kept circling the outskirts of their home. He’d probably do that for the whole night. And the day after.

And after that too, for however much longer this lasted.

Sideswipe wanted to cry, to air even some of the sheer frustration crushing down on his chest, but he grit his teeth and held back. He curled up on the warm floor, hugging his tail to his chest and pressing his forehead against it.

Just a little while longer, hopefully. He could do this.

He had to.

He hadn’t the time to doze off before he felt the ripples in the water that signaled Sunstreaker was approaching. Sideswipe glanced up just when Sunstreaker came to him, and he reached out his hand to invite his brother over.

They’d barely had any time together since all of this started, too caught up in feelings that only had negative outlets. He missed the feeling of his brother’s scales against his.

Maybe he could have some of that now, while they waited for all of this to be over.

“Sunny,” Sideswipe said softly when Sunstreaker took his hand and flicked his tail to glide the rest of the way over, aided by Sideswipe’s pull on his arm. Sunstreaker didn’t say anything, but pulled him into his arms. Sideswipe melted against his chest, closing his eyes and sighing quietly.

He’d missed this.

Sunstreaker was hotter to touch than usual, but Sideswipe suspected he was the same. It didn’t matter. Sunstreaker was still tense, but he wasn’t bleeding violence all over the place, which gave Sideswipe hope that it was all going to come to an end soon. Maybe things were on the downswing, finally.

Sunstreaker held him, and Sideswipe fell into a fitful sleep, hoping Sunstreaker would follow. They both needed the rest.

It wasn’t very _restful_ rest, but it was better than nothing.

He didn’t know how long he was out for before Sunstreaker’s voice woke him up. “Sideswipe.” It was strangled and pained and kicked Sideswipe straight out of his sleep. His tail jerk reaction that Sunstreaker had somehow gotten injured seemed foolish, but he didn’t know what else could have caused a voice like that either.

Sunstreaker’s hold on him had tightened, which wasn’t unwelcome, but was a little unexpected. “Sunny?” Sideswipe asked, peering up at his brother’s face.

His twin’s hold tightened further. “I can’t- I have to- _I can’t_.”

“Can’t what? Sunny?” Sideswipe frowned, trying to pull away to get a better look at his brother.

Sunstreaker wouldn’t let him, his arms tightening around him and holding him in place. That was a little weird, but it wouldn’t have been too alarming on its own if he hadn’t felt something brush up against his tail just then.

Something that wasn’t Sunstreaker’s tail, or any of his fins, or his arms.

Sideswipe stiffened instantly, dread rushing to meet him like the maw of a dreadjaw. “Sunny?” he asked again, voice thin, trying to wriggle free from Sunstreaker’ hold. It was no longer welcome, but Sunstreaker wouldn’t let go of him.

His tail twitched, and Sideswipe could feel that something brush up against him again.

He didn’t want to look.

“Sunny. Let go of me,” he said, forcing his voice to be calm despite the quickly rising panic. This was bad.

It only got worse when Sunstreaker merely growled, a sound that was in no small part _possessive_. 

Sunstreaker moved his tail again, this time with more purpose, _humping_ against Sideswipe. Panic won over and he twisted, _hard_ , to break free from Sunstreaker’s embrace. He shoved his arms between them, pushing at Sunstreaker’s chest to drive him off of him, and Sunstreaker did break his hold.

But only to grab his wrists instead.

Sideswipe screamed in frustration when his arms were yanked up and back, Sunstreaker forcing him back against the floor. He tried to use his tail to flail free, but Sunstreaker pressed down on him, transferring his wrists into one hand and using his newly freed arm to grab a hold of his hip instead.

His claws instantly pierced through his skin, hooking under to keep him in place despite his wiggling.

And Primus but Sideswipe wiggled, doing anything and everything he could to break Sunstreaker’s hold on him. Nothing worked. Sunstreaker’s grip on him was bruising, and he couldn’t get the leverage to break free. All the while Sunstreaker worked his tail against him, twitch by twitch, rubbing that damned thing to his underside.

And too close to places he wanted nowhere near it.

Breathing hard, Sideswipe finally hazarded a glance down his twisting body, just to confirm what he already knew. Sunstreaker’s erection was fully out from his slit, and mere inches from Sideswipe’s.

He moaned. Sideswipe fucking _moaned_ despite himself, fear temporarily drowned by primal need.

He hated himself for it instantly. “Sunstreaker,” he pleaded, but Sunstreaker hardly seemed lucid, and Sideswipe was getting a frightening taste of what his brother was going through as his body arched against his own wishes, brushing up against Sunstreaker's member to the tune of a reverberating growl from the golden twin. His slit was opening in response to the promise of sex, _heat_ flushing his body from head to tail tip.

But he didn’t want this. Primus, he didn’t want this.

“Sunstreaker, please. Please, please _no!”_ Sideswipe begged even as Sunstreaker’s arms tightened and he held his hips in place long enough to line them together. It didn’t matter how much he tried to move away, Sunstreaker’s aim was unerring when the tip of his length nudged into Sideswipe’s slit, and he thrust all the way in at once. “No!”

Sideswipe screamed. It didn’t hurt, and that hurt worse than any physical pain could have.

_This is wrong._

That was the one thing he did know even as his body moved with a mind of its own, drunk on the fact the _need_ was finally being seen to. He groaned as Sunstreaker began to move, ecstasy lighting up his nerves and making his body rock back against his brother.

His brother. His own damn brother was fucking him.

Sideswipe sobbed, but he couldn’t find it in himself to fight, not when everything about him sighed with relief that he was _finally_ doing what he was supposed to be doing. Mating. He’d put it off long enough.

_He never wanted it to be like this._

Sunstreaker pressed down against him, still holding his wrists above his head, though it was doubtful that would’ve been needed anymore. His body reciprocated the act without any hesitance, convinced that this was right and good. How could it be wrong?

_Procreate._

He didn’t want this! Not here, not with his brother. He cried out when Sunstreaker shoved in particularly deep, _pleasure_ making his tail flail for _more_. He’d never in his life felt anything better than the just now, with Sunstreaker’s member opening him up over and over again, the perfect snug fit for his slit—none too big, none too small, filling him up just right…

The heat in his body reached its unexpected tipping point without a warning and Sideswipe bucked up with a surprised cry, his whole body stiffening and grinding itself against Sunstreaker, impaling himself as deeply as he could. Sunstreaker hissed above him and hunched over, humping once, twice, before he thrust in deep for one last time. Sideswipe could feel a burst of heat deep in his slit and misery almost ate him alive right there and then.

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

How could this happen?

Sunstreaker slumped over him, panting to the same rhythm Sideswipe was as their bodies climbed down from their twin climaxes. His grip on Sideswipe’s wrists loosened until Sideswipe carefully pulled his arms free.

He could’ve pushed Sunstreaker off of him. Probably should’ve. Clarity was quickly returning now that the accursed hormones were retreating, satisfied that the most important task of the year had been fulfilled, and Sideswipe felt…

He wasn’t angry. He couldn’t be when he knew firsthand the kind of torture Sunstreaker had been through. That he himself had been through.

Maybe this had been inevitable all along. Maybe they’d just been putting off what couldn’t be avoided.

Reproduction had to take place. That was the prime dictum of life.

What had made him think they could escape it just because of the circumstances they were in? Just because they were trapped together with no one else around? Just because they were _siblings?_

They were old enough now. They’d had six years free of that regulation, too young to partake.

But that was over now.

Sideswipe bit his lip, his breath hitching. Sunstreaker stirred above him and carefully pulled out. Sideswipe twitched at the retreat and the emptiness that followed, and hated, _despised_ the part of him that already missed his brother’s length.

It didn’t belong in him, not in _him_ , but a part of him whispered that _yes, yes it did_. For as long as they were alone here, yes it did.

Sunstreaker drew in a deep breath and Sideswipe’s attention shifted to him just when his brother shook his head, likely clearing the last remnants of his rut. His eyes came up, full of sorrow when they met Sideswipe’s gaze.

And Sideswipe’s heart broke, for both of them. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Sunstreaker repeated, releasing his hip and bringing his bloodied claws to Sideswipe’s face instead, cradling it in his palm. Sideswipe closed his eyes and nuzzled against it.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” he whispered to every apology, wrapping his arms to Sunstreaker’s shoulders and pulling his brother back down over him, seeking that touch and reassurance. He wouldn’t let this come between them. He wouldn’t.

He couldn’t.

What had they been reduced to?


	2. The Consequence

“You’re expecting, aren’t you?”

Sideswipe jumped when he heard Sunstreaker’s voice behind him.

He would’ve wanted to chuckle, to say something smart, just… Anything except hang his head in defeat and quietly say, “Yeah, I think I am.”

He should’ve expected Sunstreaker would notice. Maybe not the fact his midsection had rounded ever so imperceptibly, but the way Sideswipe had huddled against one wall, considering his body, that was hard to miss.

It wasn’t obvious yet, and he could be wrong—maybe he was just imagining things—but something gave him the feeling he wasn’t mistaken.

He just knew, even if he couldn’t put a finger on it yet.

He just knew.

Sunstreaker stayed quiet for long enough that Sideswipe had to glance over his shoulder to confirm his brother was even there yet. Not that there were a lot of places to go. There was no semblance of privacy in the tank.

If there was, maybe Sideswipe could’ve hidden it a little bit longer. Though why would he hide it?

To postpone having to tell Sunstreaker something that brought that look of anguish on his face.

“Hey,” Sideswipe said softly, turning around and closing the last bit of distance between them. He grabbed Sunstreaker by the hips to stabilize himself and bumped their foreheads together. “It’s okay.”

His voice cracked.

Sunstreaker still didn’t say anything, nor did he return any of the physical contact. For a moment Sideswipe couldn’t find the words to break the silence. Words had been hard to come by ever since the incident, despite the months that had crawled by.

He just wanted to be over it. How he’d hoped nothing would come out of it, that it could stay as a one time mistake with nothing but fading memories to show for it. With time, he could’ve moved over it, he was sure of it.

He wasn’t so sure anymore, not with that _feeling_ of new life he had.

Not with the way he wasn’t quite as slim as he used to be.

“At least we don’t have fertility issues,” Sideswipe joked weakly, cracking a tumultuous smile. Sunstreaker huffed, leaning more heavily into the contact between them.

“Not funny, Sideswipe.”

Maybe in another world it would’ve been.

“Yeah,” Sideswipe agreed quietly, “not really funny, is it?”

There was nothing funny about this situation. But what were they going to do?

Sideswipe scrunched his eyes shut, fighting back the hitch in his breathing.

What were they going to do? Hope that he miscarried? It would be better if he did. Then they could just leave this behind them and hope it never happened again. Pretend it didn’t happen in the first place. Not let it affect them or their crappy lives. 

But they were _his_ , despite everything. Theirs. And he loved his brother.

It wasn’t right, but they were theirs. Their blood. His blood. They meant something to him.

And he wanted to protect that. Or maybe he didn’t, maybe it was just the instincts talking again. Didn’t matter, he still couldn’t deny them. There was already that feeling of protectiveness mixed in with all the rest. All the negative.

The _this is wrong, I don’t want this, this was never supposed to happen, I can’t take it._

He couldn’t stop his breath from hitching. Sunstreaker rumbled wordlessly, finally moving to pull him fully against him. Sideswipe buried his face into his brother’s shoulder and Sunstreaker wrapped his arms around him, nuzzling the side of his head. “We’ll get through this,” he promised.

There was less doubt in his voice than Sideswipe would’ve expected. He wanted to believe it. Wanted to believe they could make it, somehow—that even if the worst came to pass, they could make it.

He just didn’t know what the worst was. Not carrying to term? Something happening that made him lose the litter? That he did carry to term and they were born?

That they were born but came out _wrong?_ Relatives weren’t meant to reproduce with each other, it wasn’t good. It wasn’t good. Things could go so, so wrong.

Whichever of those was the worst, he was scared of it, scared of all of it. He still couldn’t get the memories out of his head. When they laid down to sleep for the night, he couldn’t not remember the way Sunstreaker had pinned him down and held him in place.

He couldn’t forget that night.

And now he was supposed to deal with the consequences of their lapse in control? Grow them inside his body? Bring them to this world? Raise them?

How was he supposed to do any of that?

Sunstreaker said they would get through this, but Sideswipe didn’t see how. How were they ever going to do that now that there was the chance they would have constant reminders of what happened? First in the way his body would change to accommodate the babes, and afterwards... 

He didn’t even want to think about it. Didn’t want to give thought to what things would be like after everything was said and done.

They wouldn’t be able to pretend _it_ hadn’t changed their lives, and not for the better.

They wouldn’t be able to pretend they hadn’t been violated. To have such a constant reminder… And they couldn’t allow themselves to hold it against the babes either, could they? They were innocent in this. They couldn’t help the circumstances of their conception, or anything that followed.

It was their mistake, their mistake to carry and they couldn’t burden the little ones with it.

But how was he not going to hold it against them, when he so dearly wished they didn’t exist?

“What are we going to do?” Sideswipe asked barely above a whisper, hanging tighter onto Sunstreaker. “I can’t- What if I can’t love them? I don’t want to… I don’t want to want anything but the best for them.” But could he do that? 

Could he live with himself if he couldn’t?

“We’re going to do everything we can. Our best,” Sunstreaker answered, holding him tighter in turn.

It wasn’t as comforting anymore as it had once been, but Sideswipe held tight to that old piece of him that had loved his brother’s embrace and found so much solace in it. 

Their best. What was that going to be? “What if it’s not enough?” he couldn’t help but ask. What if his best still left the little ones without the love they would’ve deserved just for existing, no matter how they’d come into existence? What if he couldn’t care for them like he should?

“You can do it,” Sunstreaker murmured.

Sideswipe laughed a humorless little bark. Did he have a choice? That didn’t mean he couldn’t fail.

He didn’t want to fail.

“And I’ll help you,” Sunstreaker continued. “Any way I can.”

“Thanks,” Sideswipe whispered.

He wasn’t sure if even that would be enough. He hadn’t even been able to look at his brother the same, and now he was… He was going to have something that was as much Sunstreaker’s as it was his. And he was supposed to look at his twin at all? The babes? How could he look at them and not feel the despair?

 _It could happen again,_ a voice in his head kept whispering. They were trapped here, with each other, and the Gathering would happen every year. If he carried to term, he would have one year relatively worry free. Just one. But after that?

They’d already failed once, given in to things that no siblings should ever partake in with each other. Would that give them motivation to fight harder the next time?

Or would it demoralize them?

Would it even be worth it to try to fight it, if that only led to pain, and if it was likely they were going to fail anyway?

Wouldn’t it be better to just get it over with at the beginning? Cut the torture short?

Sideswipe knew what the answer for him was. He didn’t want to ask for Sunstreaker’s thoughts.

But he knew what his own answer was.

_Give up._

There was no point. To any of this. Not to the tank, not to their lives, not to what they were forced to become because of the humans. He would keep going because that was all he knew how to do, but…

He was so tired. 

He was just so tired.


	3. Inescapable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you don't like the thought of reading pretty graphic childbearing, please don't proceed :D

It had been a full year since… _It_ happened. The season was here again.

And Sideswipe knew what that meant for him. His body had grown round around the middle—first his waist, then, with time, his hips and upper tail. Now he felt stiff in the area. Bloated. Movement was awkward; his body didn’t feel as fluid in the motions he could ask from it.

Like there was something foreign in him, growing and taking up space.

But it meant the need wasn’t there. Oh, he was still incredibly frustrated, _stuck_ , trapped within those four walls when his blood called him to _go_ , to migrate, but…

There wasn’t the _need_.

He was heavy already. He didn’t need to mate.

It was a small relief, but more than anything, it made him despair because of what it meant for him—because of what would be in his very near future.

Just waiting on that. It wasn’t immediate. The need to travel came first, and as its only outlet he was circling the tank even more desperately than usual. As was Sunstreaker, but the damned draw wasn’t there right now; Sunstreaker (or his body) wasn’t interested in him like that. Something about his pheromones being different, if he knew anything. There was no use in mating when he was already heavy and couldn’t possibly conceive this year, and his scent said as much.

That was how he rationalized it, anyway.

The humans didn’t seem to think the same way, though. It didn’t look like they recognized the start of the season, but they did realize that it was ongoing a couple of days later, if their actions were anything to go by.

Because they lured Sunstreaker out of the water, and like they’d done so many times before, drugged him into compliance before they moved him out of the room entirely.

And into another tank that Sideswipe had never seen himself. Why they always moved Sunstreaker instead of him he’d never understand. He’d heard Sunstreaker’s account of it though. Even smaller than their regular home.

And completely lonely. Just like their usual tank became when they carted Sunstreaker away.

But at least there was no chance they were going to shag each other, if that was what the humans were worried about.

It all felt even more lonely now, when the days passed in anxious waiting of when the little ones would arrive. He couldn’t stay still even if he wanted to. Every time he tried the dread would only grow unbearable, until he was forced to bolt back into motion.

Too many unknowables ate at him.

Sunstreaker would’ve been poor company, overwhelmed with his own hormones, but it would’ve been better than nothing. It would’ve been even some distraction, some comfort.

He didn’t want to be so alone, not now, not ever. But it was out of his hands, completely out of his hands. The humans did what they wanted, and they were just the humans’ puppets.

He’d never asked for a life like this, but they were the cards he’d been dealt. So here he was, alone, and feeling more alone than he ever had in his life with the stiffness constricting his midsection and making movement feel… Just weird.

There was nothing for him to do except swim, and wait.

One day since they separated them.

Two days.

Three days, and still he waited.

The fourth day dawned to artificial lighting that could never compare to the twin suns outside of the aquarium, in the wide open world that had no walls, no limits, no restrictions.

Where he was supposed to be. Where none of this would have happened.

He tried not to think about any of that, to instead focus on the present—to what his life actually was. Forget the foolish dreams of the wild ocean.

Focus on the tiled walls that marked the boundaries of the only living space he’d known for years.

That was all he would have for the rest of his life, most likely.

That thought hurt.

He tried not to think about it. Tried to… Forget. Forget the play in sun warmed waves, the smells in the water, the songs that echoed in the endlessness.

The freedom. The endless opportunity. A bright future. Grow up strong and proud, face and overcome the dangers of life.

And then return the favor—give life to a new generation.

That was what he was doing now, but it was all wrong, like some sick, twisted parody of what his life should’ve been like.

What he had always thought it would be, what he had hoped it could still become.

But that was stupid. Foolish. Look at him now, curled up in a corner because it got to be too much, because his emotions sapped the strength from his limbs and forced him into a standstill. Shaking, crying, wishing for his brother. 

Withering and dying on the inside, even as his body nurtured young life that he’d hoped so dearly _wouldn’t come to be._

There was no fixing things. There was no respite.

It wasn’t going to get better. This was all there was.

It had been childish to ever think otherwise.

Better to forget.

* * *

It was midway through that fourth day when the pain started, deep in his belly, cramping up his internals. It wasn’t the physical pain that made him hiccup, that wasn’t so bad yet.

It was everything else.

“No no no no _no_ ,” Sideswipe chanted, curling in on himself and clutching his stomach when another cramp washed through him and made him grit his teeth. 

He didn’t want this. He hadn’t wanted it from the beginning, but now the feeling came over him strong enough to nearly overwhelm him. Everything leading up to this moment—the mating, the anxious months hoping nothing came out of it, the despairing ones when it became apparent his wish wasn’t granted, the odd mix of pain and relief when he didn’t miscarry—flashed through his mind and ratcheted the emotions higher and higher until he felt like they were going to drown him. His body rebelled, he keened.

He couldn’t even make sense of everything. He was scared, that much he knew. Scared of what was going to happen, of what was going to come out—would they be healthy? Would they look right? Would they even be _alive?_

Scared because Sunstreaker wasn’t there to help. What if something went wrong?

And even if nothing went wrong, he didn’t want to do this alone. Never alone.

But that was exactly what they were going to make him do. Did they even know what they were doing? Did they realize?

Did they see the pain on his face, or would they just pretend it wasn’t there, like they always had?

Sideswipe gathered himself to the best of his ability and continued swimming the familiar circle he always swam, trying to distract his mind from everything that was happening and doing an impossibly poor job of it. His body continued its preparations, refusing to be denied. His eyes grew wider with every contraction he stubbornly ignored. His heart hammered. It was hard to breathe.

He swam.

He swam until he couldn’t anymore, until the contractions were frequent enough and intense enough to make him gasp and moan. He could feel the movement inside his body.

He didn’t want this.

 _He didn’t want this._ That he knew even when everything else rose into a maelstrom of emotion he had no hope of taming or understanding. It strangled him, stole his voice and left nothing but silent gasps in its wake.

No choice.

He allowed himself to sink to the bottom, curling up against one wall of the tank. He was shaking, but not from the pain, even though that was growing too as his body prepared to expel the little ones against his will.

It was fear, pure and simple; agony that had nothing to do with physical sensation. He couldn’t control his thoughts. They kept racing in a hundred different directions, and none of them were good. 

There was no hope anymore.

No solace.

There was only the hurt, the pain, the blue walls that trapped his body within just as his body trapped his mind. 

No choice.

It would happen.

He just wanted to keep them in still, to continue pretending everything was as it had been, that nothing had happened. That he and Sunstreaker had never… That nothing came out of it.

He didn’t want to bring them into this life. He didn’t want them to _exist._

No choice.

Sideswipe sobbed, hugging himself in search of even a modicum of comfort. Just one warm embrace, pretend it was Sunstreaker.

Pretend he didn’t flinch at Sunstreaker’s touch, nowadays.

It didn’t help much, but he cradled himself all the same.

From the point where he’d landed he could see the one glass window of the tank, and the shadows behind it. Humans. Watching him.

If something threatened to go wrong he was sure they would jump right in to “help”, but Primus, he didn’t want them watching. Did they have no shame? Was nothing sacred to them?

Not that he’d ever been allowed much dignity anyway, not here.

Sideswipe turned his head away and closed his eyes for good measure. The most he could do was just… Pretend they weren’t there. That his every movement wasn’t being watched by the same creatures that had landed him in this plight.

It was all their fault. All their fault.

But it was his life. He had no other and no way out.

Better get used to it.

Better to forget.

Better to yield.

Sideswipe panted as the cramps continued to worsen. He could feel something lowering into his birthing canal, slowly but still far too quickly, thick and hard and too big for comfort.

And then it was too late to try to hold back.

He rolled onto his aft and threw his head back as his body took over and did what it wanted to do, input from him or not. He didn’t look, even when he felt the rhythmic contractions pass that something through his body, all the way until it breached his slit to a stretch he didn’t want to feel.

“No no no no, please, no…” Whispered word after whispered word. He didn’t look. He couldn’t. Not when despair choked him, made him gasp for each breath of water.

Made him want to die.

He didn’t want this. He didn’t want… Sunstreaker’s. Not here. Not anywhere. Not ever.

He didn’t want to feel his heart break, crack by crack, piece by piece.

_No choice._

One last push and the babe slipped out entirely. He could feel it landing onto the underside of his tail, where it laid still for a moment. One blissful moment where he could almost pretend its weight wasn’t there. Just one moment of denial. Could he have that much?

Then it started moving, testing its limbs, wiggling around in the uncoordinated way newborns did. Finally Sideswipe forced himself to look, opening his eyes with effort to see just what he and Sunstreaker had created.

That thought was a mistake.

He and Sunstreaker weren’t supposed to create anything together.

This was so wrong.

But when he looked-

It was impossible to not see the influence of both him and Sunstreaker in it. It had their fins, patterns that looked like a clean combination of his and Sunstreaker’s. It wasn’t red, or yellow. It was orange, mixed with a black backside and white underside.

It looked so much like them. Like a halfway point.

A perfect halfway point, right down to its eyes when it opened them.

Lush orange.

Not red, not yellow. Somewhere in between.

There was nothing visibly wrong with it, and relief washed over Sideswipe—nowhere near enough to scrub away the anguish and anxiety, but alleviating at least some of his fears, the ones that related to the babes’ physical ailments.

There could still be something amiss, but its appearance gave him hope that maybe, just maybe they’d lucked out and nothing had gone horribly wrong.

But it reminded him of Sunstreaker so much. Sideswipe shook his head, closing his eyes again to shut away the image of it, the proof that they’d acted against nature, according to nature.

He was shaking. Feeling. Hurting, staring at those black jaws that wanted to swallow him whole.

Turn him inside out. Rock his core, _shatter it._

It was working. He couldn’t help the moan that escaped his lips, a sound of nothing but pain.

No choice. No way out. Stuck in this life, giving birth to his brother’s pup under the watchful eyes of those that had stolen him from his world.

No hope. Not for him, not for the babe.

He wasn’t done yet, though, or at least his body wasn’t. Sideswipe grunted when he felt another heavy bundle position itself inside his body. The contractions repeated at steady intervals and passed the second one through him, making him feel so full—but only in places designed to do exactly what he was doing. The second one passed as smoothly as the first one, coming to his slit with minimal resistance.

“No…” Sideswipe whispered again, cradling his head as another contraction had him almost doubling over. He wanted Sunstreaker here. He so desperately wanted his brother here, even if he was also the sire to the pups, the supposed reason he was in this predicament.

He didn’t even care at this point. He didn’t want to be so alone.

He just didn’t want to be so alone.

The second babe slipped out of him, falling through the water’s resistance to the tank floor with a little squeak. Sideswipe shook his head, trying to control the shivers wracking his body. It still wasn’t done: a few more tail curling contractions pushing out a placenta that came to float gently in the water.

But no more pups.

Was it over then? Just like that? All the months building up to this?

Sideswipe panted and carefully opened his eyes again, glancing over the scene.

Blood floated in the water in stark red clouds. His slit was raw and gaping. The pup that had come out first was still sitting on his tail, staring at him attentively, a worried little scrunch to its eyebrows.

The secondborn was still laying next to him, breathing almost as heavily as he was. Sideswipe felt a surge of concern for it, but moving to check on it felt impossible. His internals still cramped even though nothing more was forthcoming, as far as he knew, but more than that his mind was… 

He didn’t even know. Everything hurt, and not on a physical level.

His and Sunstreaker’s pups. And now that he looked at them, the two were identical. Same shades of color, same markings. Probably the same eye color too, although the second one hadn’t opened its eyes yet.

Sideswipe laughed without humor, the sound quickly morphing into a sob. He buried his face into his palms, his breath hitching so badly it was hard to even manage to get water through his gills.

He just wanted Sunstreaker.

He didn’t want this.

But here he was, without Sunstreaker but with two newborn pups they had made together.

It was so wrong, but that was what the humans had made out of them. Hate surged, but he didn’t dare show it in anything more than the way his claws dug into the skin of his head. He didn’t want to scare the little ones.

Little ones. _His_ little ones.

What future did they have here? This was a life he would’ve wished only on his worst enemy. Trapped, forced into things you would’ve never done otherwise. Poked, prodded, handled, mistreated, malnourished, bored out of your mind. Always swimming the same circle, looking at the same walls, jumping the same hoops. 

And for what? So the humans could stand behind their glass and watch?

There was no future here.

He wanted to bring no new life into this, but the choice had been taken from him. By the humans, by the season.

By Sunstreaker.

And now… Now what? Make the best of it?

Do his best, like Sunstreaker had said they would? Give his pups everything he could, and know it would never be enough?

Know they’d never smell the ocean or feel the suns?

There was nothing more than this.

This was all there was.

“Oh, Sunny,” Sideswipe gasped, voice no louder than before. “I don’t know what to do.”

What would Sunstreaker even think when he got back? How would he feel? What would he do? How would he look at him? How would he look at _them?_

Could he see past the mistakes they were? Past the disgrace Sideswipe was?

Would he love them?

But for all he knew the humans had chosen to separate them for good. Maybe they’d never return Sunstreaker.

Maybe they’d leave him here by himself. Just him and the little ones. That felt like something they would do.

And there was nothing he would be able to do about it.

_“Please come back.”_

**_He didn’t want to do this alone._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You made it to the end! Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed.


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